I hate the way i feel sometimes. Im supposed to be acting and feeling like a "diva mommy", lol, whatever that is, but its certainly not what i have felt like .  I havent been able to "push" myself past anything and its really wearing on me. I dont know why im acting like this or should i say, not acting a certain way, because it is in me. Im a strong woman, im a survivor, Im the one that is there to pick you up and make you smile. Its as if im giving in to this black cloud thats been following me, my drive is gone. WTF happened? I think a lot of things have happened, and none of them are self esteem boosters. I dont have a job right now and its almost like a loss of my identity. Leaving that job was a HUGE change. Im still not over or shall i say, im still recovering and grieving the loss of Mike, Its almost 5 years. Another week or so. I still feel very alone and lost. Very alone. Its the alone where you are surrounded by people and yet you are so empty inside and you have nothing more to give anyone.
One of the things that really bothers me about myself and my ADHD is that I'll get an idea, creative like, becuase i see a post, usually on a blog or pinterest and i get so excited to start it. I then research it more on the web, get more ideas, save more pages etc. Then ill see another idea on one of those web pages and i delve into that one. Before i know it i have about 30 tabs open, 10 ideas whirling around in my head and it becomes mass confusion. I get so stuck i cant do anything. I get so pissed off, I usually become so tired of thinking that i shut down. Guilt and pessimism start to stir and I feel useless .  Depression usually comes next because i wanted to do all these great things yet its my own mind that is preventing me from doing anything. So many wasted supplies and time because i cant make up my mind. I have always had a really hard time with those kind of decisions. Life altering decisions and my working in the ICU with alot of autonomy was the one place i didnt question myself. I guess because i had no choice, it wasnt about me and my preferences, it was to use my knowledge and skills to save someones life (not always so drastic, but you get the idea) lol.. Why cant my personal life be like that, is it my own fault or am i really handicapped in that area. The guilt makes me feel like its my fault and if i would just make a decision and be done with it, id have so much more to show for it. Everyone gets tired of me in that respect. Id say that in the past couple years i had gotten better with all this, but its resurfacing and i dont know how to stop it. People may say, just do it,make a decision. If you've ever had these issues you know its never that easy. Its so much easier to give the right advice than to accept it. I think id be a great teacher , life coach, etc because like i said, its easy to give the right advice, its easy for me at least.  Somehow im very level headed when it comes to those situations.  Im a frantic mess in my head when it comes to my life.  All i want to do is cry and give up thinking of my issues. I have so many problems to fix and i think, i cant POSSIBLY get this all accomplished.