The DivaMommy Network: Pouring rain

The DivaMommy Network: Pouring rain: Im so tired of sitting in the pouring rain. The black cloud wont move, the rain just gets heavier and heavier and all i can seem to do is wa...

Pouring rain

Im so tired of sitting in the pouring rain. The black cloud wont move, the rain just gets heavier and heavier and all i can seem to do is watch. Its like being frozen , crippled and screaming out to the world. Doesnt sound like such a great place to be does it?  I think my mental exhaustion is at an all time peak. Maybe not as intense as it has been before but definately a process that will not let up, not even for the moment that i blink my eyes. My dreams have finally stopped, the crazy ones that break my heart, yeah those have stopped, i almost wish they would return, make my world cloudy again.  I dont want to see things so damn clear right now. It sickens me. It all does. I say ive hardened again, have become the "Ice Princess" title i once earned.  Then those momentarily lapses of emotional shit come flooding me, hard to ignore and impossible to  fight.  A losing battle if ever ive seen one, if ever ive lived one.
Hypocrtits drive me absolutely crazy, dont you know ive been doing this for my whole life, Dont hate the player, hate the game. Its a huge mindf&ck.  When i want the logic and the clarity to appear they are no where in site. Otherwise they are tapping me on my shoulder telling me what to do.As i sit here and think, way to hard by the way, a million ideas are storming my brain.  What needs to ve done Gpd i just want to erase so many things, wipe the slate clean. I get so ungodly sickened thinking of things. Im the only one who can deal with it all anyway, but the hypocrits will have you thinking, that they are right, when they hafe NO IDEA ABOUT THE LIFE I LEAD, Like i say day in and day out, no matter who wants to have an opinion about it, i control what goes on, and no one  better forget it. 

Well, today was a little better than yesterday- i actually have some ideas in my head that i halfway followed through on, or at least put them on the to do list in my head.  I gave my mom some advice yesterday that i really should use myself. She has alot to do before we go to the beach every year and she is sick at the moment so she feels overwhelmed. I told her to pick one or two important things she must do and only focus on them because if she worries about it all now she wont do anything. Trust me, it sucks but i know the drill.  Its so sad because we have the ability, the means etc its just an anxiety type issue. It becomes one.  I do have a few things to do that i HAVE to. They are the only things that are so important that they may get me out of the trouble im facing( financial issues). 
I have a few jobs lined up and i have to apply for them asap, i also found a website with hidden home listings for people like me. Single income , well unemployed at the moment, fair credit, etc.  Some are rent to own, some are no down payment , etc  and they are comparable to where im living now. Im just beginning to hate it here. Its a luxury apartment complex and that is a joke. They are re-doing all the apartments but only as people move out, new appliances, cabinets, flooring etc. They will be the luxury of the times. So, of course people like me who have been good tenants and been here 5 years dont get shit. In fact, when you are 2 days late with rent, its about 200 extra. But my air has been half assed the past month, we had a flood from the 3rd floor to me on the ground floor about 3 months ago and they havent fixed it, painted etc anything. So im getting shit on and ive been a very good tenant. Its pissing me off and i can get so much more for the high rent im paying. So i found these hidden listings, called the agent and she returned my call, i missed it so i have to call her, quick tho bc my lease runs out in 1-2 months here. So these things are of dire urgency and i need to just DO IT . I';ll be so proud of myself when i do. I need to stay positive about this. 
IN other parts of my life, family and relationship wise, im not really happy either. Im not going in to it now but i get criticized by everyone in my life, they make me feel like shit and ive been raising my 2 boys alone since Mike died. Im taking care of 2 other people and a baby at the moment too. So i dont want to hear anything from anyone until they walk in my shoes and i dont recommend it, its not so pretty.I dont start crying about that shit anymore. I know what i do and how but its just very disrespectful for my family/bf etc to say the things they do. Im over it and i wouldnt mind being alone with my children. Maybe that is what will happen . Ive got alot to do today, wish me luck.
Hugs xo Diva Mommy 

I hate the way i feel sometimes. Im supposed to be acting and feeling like a "diva mommy", lol, whatever that is, but its certainly not what i have felt like .  I havent been able to "push" myself past anything and its really wearing on me. I dont know why im acting like this or should i say, not acting a certain way, because it is in me. Im a strong woman, im a survivor, Im the one that is there to pick you up and make you smile. Its as if im giving in to this black cloud thats been following me, my drive is gone. WTF happened? I think a lot of things have happened, and none of them are self esteem boosters. I dont have a job right now and its almost like a loss of my identity. Leaving that job was a HUGE change. Im still not over or shall i say, im still recovering and grieving the loss of Mike, Its almost 5 years. Another week or so. I still feel very alone and lost. Very alone. Its the alone where you are surrounded by people and yet you are so empty inside and you have nothing more to give anyone.
One of the things that really bothers me about myself and my ADHD is that I'll get an idea, creative like, becuase i see a post, usually on a blog or pinterest and i get so excited to start it. I then research it more on the web, get more ideas, save more pages etc. Then ill see another idea on one of those web pages and i delve into that one. Before i know it i have about 30 tabs open, 10 ideas whirling around in my head and it becomes mass confusion. I get so stuck i cant do anything. I get so pissed off, I usually become so tired of thinking that i shut down. Guilt and pessimism start to stir and I feel useless .  Depression usually comes next because i wanted to do all these great things yet its my own mind that is preventing me from doing anything. So many wasted supplies and time because i cant make up my mind. I have always had a really hard time with those kind of decisions. Life altering decisions and my working in the ICU with alot of autonomy was the one place i didnt question myself. I guess because i had no choice, it wasnt about me and my preferences, it was to use my knowledge and skills to save someones life (not always so drastic, but you get the idea) lol.. Why cant my personal life be like that, is it my own fault or am i really handicapped in that area. The guilt makes me feel like its my fault and if i would just make a decision and be done with it, id have so much more to show for it. Everyone gets tired of me in that respect. Id say that in the past couple years i had gotten better with all this, but its resurfacing and i dont know how to stop it. People may say, just do it,make a decision. If you've ever had these issues you know its never that easy. Its so much easier to give the right advice than to accept it. I think id be a great teacher , life coach, etc because like i said, its easy to give the right advice, its easy for me at least.  Somehow im very level headed when it comes to those situations.  Im a frantic mess in my head when it comes to my life.  All i want to do is cry and give up thinking of my issues. I have so many problems to fix and i think, i cant POSSIBLY get this all accomplished.  

Well, things are still pretty bleak on my end, it really seems like i cant catch a break. Why? Im not quite sure, i mean i think i'm a pretty good person with a good heart and good intentions.. It just seems like when it rains it pours and its really been a monsoon over here. Sounds funny but i wish it was. I get so down that i really would love to just stay in bed, that is where i can escape my problems. Now i know that isn't the way to deal with them but if you have never been clinically depressed then you really have no idea. Its like "walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me" I know things could be worse, alot worse , but in my world things are pretty bad and i'm about hitting rock bottom over here. I never knew it would be so hard to find a job. Money is at an all time low and so is my mood. 
Its like no matter how hard i try i cant please anyone either. I barely have anything left to give but what i have i give freely.. My son hates school and every morning its a battle, he curses at me, slams doors, and is down right mean. says things like id rather die than go to school etc. Ive tried everthing with him and nothing is working. He is seeing our shrink again on the 27th and i guess he will have some work to do. Every day he gets home he apoligizes to me and tells me hes sorry he didnt mean it, but the hurt is already there. i love him no matter what but ive never spoken to him like that in all my life. I;ve always taught them to be respectful and i dont know how to fix this one. 
I give up.
xox
T. 

What's a diva mommy to do

I'm just tired , mentally exhausted. The past few years have really taken a toll on me   This July is 5 years that mike died, and it seems that black cloud hasn't left me. I really need a job  for money and for my sanity. I really wish I could find the perfect nursing job where I could use my brains and skills but not kill my body more than I already have by lifting etc. I have to get up to par with making the 1000 appointments I have to for the boys and I. Meanwhile taking care of everyone living in my home. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and people can say they understand but it's just no they can't until they walk in my shoes. I'd love to live somewhere and not have one worry about the rent or electric. They all just look at me when the power is out like - well did you pay the bill? What r u going to do ?  Wtf I guess I'll handle it somehow like I always do. Once I brought ALL of us to a hotel because I could afford that but I couldn't afford turning the power back on. How pathetic. But I have children. We can't just sit in the dark. God. It's always something. 

Write soon xoxo